Giving talks

woottonI give quite a few talks during the course of a year. I think I’ve given about 25 in the last year  – so that’s about one a fortnight.  I like talking to people for a variety of reasons: I like people, I get a kick out of talking to more-or-less like-minded people, I like spreading the word on issues I feel passionately about, I make a little bit of money out of it.

I put making money at the end of that list because the rate of return on giving talks is pretty low.  Let’s just take a reasonably typical event. I might charge £100 fee and calculate the mileage costs at c45p/mile (as do HMRC), so I might end up charging a group £200 for giving a talk. And I might try and flog you a few of my books too.

So a county bird club might pay me £200 for an appearance which might be a one hour talk. £200/hour would by a decent rate of pay, and sometimes I think that is what people think I am making, but let’s just work this through.

If the travel costs really are about £100 then the mileage is about 220 mile round trip. That means that it is probably 2.5 hours each way, or 5 hours on the road, to be at a village hall at around 7pm for a 730pm start and then leaving at 10pm for that 2.5hour drive home. So for me, that’s an eight-hour commitment which ends some time between midnight and 1am.  All for £100 (because the travel costs are travel costs, not profit. So, that’s £12.50/hour rather than £200/hour.

I do hope to sell a few books, but even on a good day I might sell 10 books at, depending on the book, say £13/book. So that’s another £130 – but I had to buy those books so it ends up at a profit to me of c£30.  And at some of the events where I speak, then any book sales go to a book store or the venue (and in an average of nine months time I will get my royalty percentage via my publisher) so that delays and reduces the huge profits involved!

I’m not complaining, because I love giving talks, but you might see why I put ‘making a little bit of money out of it’ at the end of the list.

In the last year I have met some lovely people because I have given lots of talks.  Some have fed me, some have taken me birdwatching, some have put me up overnight, some have laughed at my jokes, some have made me laugh, some have made me think differently, some have made me feel that we are part of a movement, some have told me things I didn’t know, some have brought me down to earth, some have just been really, really nice.

So I love giving talks, and if you’d like me to give a talk to you then do please get in touch.

But here is an entirely fictional account of the worst nightmare for an evening speaking. There are some aspects of this fictional account that the organisers of the event can’t do anything about, but there are others that they definitely could.

I set off from home at four o’clock in order to leave plenty of time to get to the venue. At this time of year it is already dark and today it is tipping down with rain.  Driving through the spray of lorries, with headlights on, on the dual carriageway and motorway is not ideal but it is unavoidable (there are no trains to the venue, and even if there are, there are none to get me home tonight). The traffic is heavy, and I’m glad that I set off quite early.

I was getting close to the venue but I didn’t have time for a proper meal, and anyway, searching a strange town or village for a quick, cheap, delicious meal isn’t that easy to do.  I’m glad I bought that packet of crisps and a bar of chocolate when I filled up with fuel.

I’d been told that I couldn’t miss the venue but in the rain, at night, I found that I could. The lack of any sign saying what it was, and the difficulty of reading road names when driving on your own in the dark didn’t help.

There were some people already at the venue and they were very friendly, although the Treasurer admitted that he had forgotten to bring his cheque book so the fee would follow later.

I was told that my talk would start at 745pm but when I arrived I was told that it would be more likely to be at 755pm because somebody needed to make an announcement. And I had to stop for a break at 830pm because we always have tea at 830pm.  I actually got to start my talk just past 8pm because the announcements and the guy introducing me went on a bit – but I still had to stop at 830pm for tea so a bit of rapid, on your feet, revising of the talk was necessary.

I was glad that I wasn’t using powerpoint or slides because they couldn’t get the equipment to work and that was part of the reason for the delay.

There were only 25 people present although I’d been promised around 50 – maybe it was me?

The guy who introduced me got several details about me wrong, seemed very unenthusiastic about the whole thing and then started telling people everything he knew about the subject on which I was speaking. He ruined the introduction to the talk by doing this.

In the break, nobody bought any of my books and nobody seemed at all interested in me.

On the drive home, that vibration in the offside front wheel started again and i think I might have got caught by a speed camera.

 

 

 

 

 

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4 Replies to “Giving talks”

  1. Is that really your worst “fictional” talk experience Mark?

    I’ve had much worse. Maybe it’s me!

    I shouldn’t tell the worst one for fear of embarrassing the organisers, but my second worst was a talk in the cinema at a WWT Slimbridge Bird Fair. The previous talk had been by the BBC and they had used their own projector. Technology gremlins then meant we couldn’t get our projector to work again afterwards. So the 12 (!) people in the audience had to watch my talk (on Common Scoter conservation) through their bins on my laptop screen! Anyone else got any nightmare talk experiences – fictional or real?

    1. Just found this!!! I’m a bit slowI know. But I think my worst ever talk might make you squirm a little. I was delivering a two-hour talk at a local ‘Technical College’ on the topic of Back Pain’. This was publicised in the local press and delivered as part of an Adult Education Programme and included topics such as cookery, carpentry etc tc. For my sins I am a second generation Chiropractor and I try to educate the public whenever I can on how to prevent back pain. I had done the same talk the year before and it was attended by about 40 people who went away a little more enlightened on the tedious topic. But the second time round only 1 person turned up…..and he sat there for two hours and listened intently and went away £6 poorer but content with my efforts. So, maybe it was one of my most productive talks!

  2. I also love giving talks Mark, but there are very many ‘hidden’ costs that people are unaware of – not least the time invested in planning the talks and sourcing the images (plus the things you mention).

    A lot of the issues you describe in the first part of your blog sound like you getting used to working for yourself, rather than being in a salaried position with a large organisation. This is quite understandable; it’s not an easy transition.

    Over the years I have found that, where they can afford it, charities and other organisations are often happy to pay a higher fee if you explain how the finances work. Especially so if you are well known in your field (as you are) and have books to give yourself extra kudos (as you do).

    A few years into my independent career I discovered that some people of my experience/publications record were being paid TWICE what I was asking for talks, keynotes etc – and this was a real eye opener. You’ve worked extremely hard to get to the level you’ve now reached Mark, so don’t undersell yourself!

    Good luck with all this 🙂

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