I blame the Environment Agency

Mark 30 Comments
via wikimedia commons
via wikimedia commons

It’s raining – I blame the Environment Agency.

And while we are at it, I blame them for the extinction of the Passenger Pigeon, toothache, late buses, cancer, the Great Fire of London, Eric Pickles, Maradona’s ‘Hand of God’ goal, the Countryside Alliance, potholes, Judas Iscariot, the wreck of the Torrey Canyon, plagues of locusts, the assassination of JFK, apartheid, obesity, the LibDems being hopeless, Arsenal losing so badly to Liverpool, the state of English cricket, the Bay City Rollers, Hitler, bankers’ bonuses, thalidomide, the price of petrol, corked wine, timid wildlife NGOs, the cobweb in the corner of this room, income tax, UKIP, the winter olympics, DDT, things that go off in the fridge, 9/11, the lack of Hen Harriers in the uplands of the UK, Idi Amin, the murder of Lord Lucan’s nanny, Icarus falling from the sky, the Great Train Robbery, George Osborne, 50 Shades of Grey, One Direction, Japanese whaling, always living on the edge of the map, smog in Los Angeles, the Peterloo riot and massacre, the mutiny on the Bounty, bovine tb, the state of the economy, the state of English cricket (yes, again!), my inability to play a musical instrument, massacres in Syria, litter and those voices I keep hearing in my head.

Now, what have I forgotten?

The Scapegoat - William Holman Hunt
The Scapegoat – William Holman Hunt

 

 

 

Scapegoat: a person who is blamed for the wrongdoings, mistakes, or faults of others, especially for reasons of expediency.

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30 Replies to “I blame the Environment Agency”

  1. Certainly made me chuckle Mark – so thanks for that!
    Meanwhile, The Sanctuary is being strimmed and chain sawn….if that’s a proper word! If not, blame the EA!
    nick

  3. You missed out the black death, Mark. That is something that surely, retrospectively, was their responsibility?

  5. – Foot and mouth Disease
    – Creationism
    – Shteeeve MacClaren’s brolly
    – Moore’s Dorset Knob biscuits
    – Jim Davidson
    – Himalayan balsam
    – David Gower’s inexplicable propensity get out wafting outside of the off-stump

    …I’ll put it down to an oversight.

    1. “Moore’s Dorset Knob biscuits”

      Thanks EM I’ve often wondered whose warped idea they were – but you have to admit that getting more crumbs into one of them little knobs than exist in an entire loaf is a one of the technological achievements of baking science.

      1. Fair point.

        Mrs Moss describes them as “over-engineered rusks for granite mouthed folks who have more money than sense”.

    1. Were the EA responsible for encouraging 20% of new houses to be built in flood plains? Or was it the Government of the days new policy to solve the housing shortage?

      Pickles, absolutely – we’re in a right one up to westminster welly tops!

  11. Absolutely priceless!!

    One person , in my opinion, who comes out of this very badly is Eric Pickles. Petty politics, and wholly unnecessary!!. By contrast, particularly following what I have said about him in the past, an interview with Richard Benyon this lunchtime was balanced, very fair and apolitical. Bit more of that needed!

    1. John – many ministers are at their best when they leave office. I believe we should ensure we see the better side of this lot as soon as possible.

  12. Mark,seems then the Environment Agency guilty for almost as many things as farmers.Lets be fair though they have quite a long way to go to get as much blame for as many things as farmers.
    Remember your calculation of two = one.

  13. Its normal to only shoot your generals once they’ve lost the war. We may well lose this one – but wouldn’t it be better to wait to shoot anyone.

    I’ve just lost one prediction: that Owen Paterson would be replaced by Andrew Mitchell. I reckon Picklesgate has made Owen fireproof – no PM could sack him after such a massive blunder, whereas Eric must be a different matter…….

    1. Yep – Mr Blobby made Rambo seem quite a reasonable sort of chap. But were Rambo’s furious protests because Blobby had stolen his punchline?

    2. If Rambo is to stay, what a missed opportunity. One can only hope the tories (and those who used to call themselves LibDems) get to shine in opposition after the next election.

  14. Has anyone mentioned our massive overconsumption, building on floodplains and all that Carbon Dioxide we pump out?

    Anyone going to do anything different after all this flooding? Or just look for someone else to blame. I mean what has it got to do with US?

  15. Coincidentally I emailed the PM this morning to say how good it was that Eric Pickles has stepped up to the plate and has taken responsibility for the floods. I personally feel much safer knowing that Eric is in charge rather than the ‘so-called experts’ in the EA who have a sound scientific understanding and many years practical experience of the subject.

    I offered to help, and expalined that my ignorance* of the subject appears to make me eminently suitable for the job. He’s not let that stand in his way so why should it stop me?

    I’ve not had a reply yet.

    *This is not entirely true. I do know a bit.

    My favourite quote was by an academic from somewhere who had suggested that he may be more use if employed as a sandbag…

    1. I liked the quote from Smith to the effect that his scientists knew 100 times more about flood control than any politician – thus revealing that he wasn’t really concentrating at skool

  18. Great post Mark.

    I blame all those buzzards, cormorants, red kites and possibly magpies for the flooding – I’m amazed no-one else has spotted that it’s their fault and called for a cull.

    In other news, the Environment Agency has apologised “unreservedly” for Eric Pickles. A spokesman said “it was wrong of us to believe that this so-called expert should be put in charge of the govt.’s response to the floods, even for a weekend. While this wasn’t actually anything to do with us we thought we’d just hold our hands up to it as, what the hell, everything else is our fault so why not this too?”

    In other other perhaps surprising news Simon Jenkins has said some quite sensible things not once but twice:
    http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/feb/11/floods-blame-game-show

    http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/feb/10/flood-policy-sabotaged-somerset-farmers

    In further other news, the Met Office has warned that there is to be “no letup” in the succession of ill informed comments from Ian Liddell-Grainger. A spokesman said “whilst it is not unusual to have a succession of Tory MPs talking cr*p sweeping across the country from the west during any winter, the frequency and severity of these extreme Liddell-Grainger events is unprecedented. I mean really, threatening to flush Chris Smith’s head down the toilet, that’s a bit ****ing much.”

    Finally, the headlines: hurricane force winds, someone adds comment on Mark Avery blog post long after everyone else has moved on…

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