Defra have felt unable to answer the questions that would put them on the spot over their inadequate response to our e-petition. I can understand why – their response, signed off by Rory Stewart, was hopelessly biased. They should now face questions from MPs over their position.
This is a wholly fictional account (think Yes Minister) of how they came to answer my questions in the way that they did:
Sir Humphrey: Good morning Minister
Therese Coffey: Good morning Humphrey! What have we to deal with today?
Sir Humphrey: well Minister….
….
…and then lastly there is this response to an enquiry from a member of the public ahead of a parliamentary inquiry into grouse shooting.
Therese Coffey: grouse shooting? Do we do grouse shooting?
Sir Humphrey: Yes we do, Minister. Remember those letters that you have signed to lots of MPs whose constituents have written to them about grouse shooting (or, to be more accurate, driven grouse shooting)?
Therese Coffey: no, not really.
Sir Humphrey: Well, there have been quite a lot. A lot more than we usually get on an e-petition. This one seems rather popular. So we’ve drafted three responses to this guy, Dr Avery, for you to choose from. Here’s the first, this is a full response to his questions (see later blog for my guess at what this would look like).
A few moments pass…
Therese Coffey: Well, we can’t possibly send that out. Makes us look like idiots.
Sir Humphrey: Indeed Minister. So here is the second version. This answers some of the questions but not the difficult ones.
Therese Coffey: Humphrey, don’t be an idiot. That makes us look even worse. We can’t say ‘Yes we have a team of economists’ and then say ‘No we didn’t ask their advice on a report on economics’ can we?
Sir Humphrey: It’s entirely up to you Minister. I take your point. So this is our third version.
Therese Coffey: We don’t answer any questions and come up with some lame excuses?
Sir Humphrey: If that’s how it looks to you Minister.
Therese Coffey: Can we do that and get away with it?
Sir Humphrey: Well it all depends on whether the Opposition – I guess that’s the Labour Party and the Libdems, perhaps the SNP – get their act together. So there must be quite a good chance that you’d ‘get away with it’ Minister – your words not mine.
Therese Coffey: Let’s do that then. The first two options we are certain to look like idiots. At least the last one gives us some hope, provided nobody Tweets about it or mentions it in the press.
Sir Humphrey: Whatever you say, Minister.
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