As a nation bids a fond farewell to the Olympic Games we turn our minds to legacy. Rather than pretend that suddenly it has become the birthright of all Britons to excel at coxless fours, dressage and wiff waff the coalition government (including the Liberal Democrats who have won golds for irrelevance for many months now) have decided that all children should face two hours compulsory twitching each week.
David Cameron, who is thought to have been moved by the sight of a badger on the Queen’s arm (is that right? Ed), said ‘I’m just an ordinary guy, and when I was at Eton we used to go twitching at Staines Reservoir. It never did me any harm – in fact a bit of competition is good for young naturalists. Those days taught me all I know about the environment’.
A government spokesperson said: ‘ We really don’t know how the PM came up with this idea, you know what he’s like. He probably was flicking through the TV channels and came across an old Attenborough programme. He has as much strategic direction as tumbleweed. Don’t quote me on that, obviously. It’s a great idea and every child should know what it’s like to dip on a Pallas’s or spend fruitless hours staring at a bush on Fair Isle. It’ll see an end to the ‘everyone joins the UK400 club’ culture. A bit of failure never did anyone any harm and there is nothing as competitive and truly meaningful as running round in circles with binoculars faster than the next guy. It’s character building. ‘.
Boris Johnson said ‘I’m just an ordinary guy, and when I was at Eton we used to call it bird baffing – at least I think that was it. My Dad wrote the Habitats Directive you know, so I’m really green and want to destroy the Thames estuary with an airport.’.
A teacher said ‘It makes as much sense as most new Government education initiatives. Two hours less maths or English won’t do anyone any harm and all teachers have been saying for a long time that our aim is to get everyone’s lists up.’.
A Mr Bolt said ‘There was a lesser black-back over the stadium but that’s all I got in 9.63 s’.