WADA has been called in to investigate claims that the UK’s wildlife NGOs have been nobbled by dopers.
Sir Vague Ready, President of WADA, said ‘The rumours have been out there for ages and it’s time to investigate. Clearly there are no performance enhancing drugs involved – not a single personal best has been set by the UK’s wildlife NGOs in the last few years. They’ve just been plodding around the track. Something very fishy is going on. We are investigating claims that government officials have been seen tampering with the water supplies in Sandy, Newark, Swindon and elsewhere.‘
Claims that Defra and devolved administrations have been hypnotising wildlife NGOs with promises of ‘the world’s best environment’ are being investigated.
Defra minister, Lisa Trustless said ‘No we aren’t going to take any notice of the science. And we aren’t listening to NGOs with millions of members. And we aren’t going to regulate for a better environment. So, yes, I decided not to spend any money on the environment either (because really I want a job in the Treasury). And I am completely confident that this government, the greenest government ever, will deliver the world’s best environment by tea time tomorrow.’.
When Ms Trustless was asked about the doping allegations, she said ‘Not us. No need. They’re harmless‘.