St Margaret’s School (school motto Fides in mercato)
By E Truss (Senior Prefect)
Gosh! Hello everyone! I’d just like to say how thrilled I am to have been put in charge of the school wildlife garden! It’s a great responsibility and I shall do my very best to make sure that the running of the garden is put on a sound business footing and does its bit to support the fantastic efforts of our wonderful bursar, Mr Osborne, to sort out the school finances.
The first thing to say is that we definitely won’t be carrying out the silly ideas suggested by Moonbat of Grauniad House to ‘re-wild’ the school grounds!!! Can you imagine what a mess it would be if we just let weeds grow all over the cricket pitch? Honestly! You’d think that now he’s in the sixth form, Moonbat would grow up a bit but he just insists on continually criticizing and making ridiculous suggestions. No wonder he was never made a prefect!!!
We have made some exciting but sensible plans for the wildlife garden and I can’t wait to put them into action! Mr Monsanto from the chemistry department has kindly agreed to mix up some chemicals for us to bring the weeds under control and we are hoping to produce a bumper crop of sweet-corn using some special seeds Mr Monsanto has provided!!! Some of the nature club members have complained that this will mean that skylarks will no longer be able to nest in the garden but I would like to point out that there are always winners and losers in nature and that the rats are thriving around the school bins so, overall, the school’s wildlife is doing very well.
We are also hoping to fill in the school pond so that we can start our own pig unit. I would very much like to support the school finances through the sale of some pork and it would also help with Mr Cameron’s building plans if we get rid of the newts that live in the pond because they do keep getting in the way!!! Mr Osborne has suggested that to ‘offset’ this it would be possible to make a small pond on some waste ground somewhere and the newts will probably find their own way to it, so it’s win-win all round!!! Anyway, he says we can’t let ‘gold plated’ protections of ugly reptiles stand in the way of the development of the school.
On that subject, I should mention that I have made some changes to the constitution of the Nature Club. Two of the school’s most important benefactors, Lord Tweedie of Moor and Sir Jerry Bilt-Housing, have given a generous contribution toward the running of the club and have asked to approve the membership of the club’s committee
which, of course, I am very happy to agree to!!! I have also changed the remit of the committee which, from now on, will be to thoroughly approve the decisions made by Mr Cameron and Mr Osborne and I am thrilled to tell you that the Head and the governors have said they are very happy indeed with this decision!
The committee will not now be making any response to the essay that the bird-watching section of the club wrote about the use of lead bullets by the school cadet force. The essay has been filed for safe keeping beneath a large pile of old rugger boots, broken desks and disused gym equipment somewhere in the school basements. I should just add that Mr Barking, the Game Master, has assured us that in any case lead is a completely natural material and we shouldn’t worry about it at all.
Happy nature spotting!!!!