BREAKING NEWS:
Scientists have been astounded by the discovery of a new species on Britain’s uplands. Given the scientific name Apodemus loricatorum aprilis asinus, it is found only on driven grouse moors. Research has shown that it can survive only in that specialised environment and scientists are excited by its extraordinarily rapid evolutionary development.
Professor Tim Baines of the University of the Angus Glens explains: “Grouse moors are a unique habitat, found only on the grouse moors of Britain. They have extraordinary biodiversity, especially of red grouse. This discovery shows how biodiverse they really are, with proof that even a mammal can survive there if suitably adapted. This creature doesn’t trouble the grouse at all. It can cope with very high levels of lead and medicated grit and seems to benefit from regular burning and flooding of its habitat.”
Dr Amanda Anderson adds “I have seen these creatures from my kitchen window every day for years but I didn’t know they were an actual species.”
Others in the shooting fraternity are more concerned. In a statement, the National Gamekeepers’ Organisation said “Our members would never shoot a protected species, but are concerned that it may be a threat to grouse numbers, given that it appears to survive on grouse moors.”
The species has immediately been given the highest level of protection afforded by Natural England, causing conservationists grave concern. A spokesman said “We have dropped our pretend plan to stop raptor persecution and are preparing a 10 year programme of research into whether raptors could adapt to eat the new species. Professor Roter Pfad has been awarded the contract to examine possible conflict with metal detectorists.”
Some conservationists have already accepted the implications of the new discovery. Mark Avery, a self-styled eco-zealot said “I will now be advocating the conversion of all remaining upland to driven grouse shooting. With the discovery of this fantastic little creature, the science now shows that the biodiversity of grouse moors is far greater than we ever supposed.”
An RSPB spokesperson was equally positive: “This shows that nature can make a home anywhere.” they said.
Answering questions in Parliament, Michael Gove said the discovery showed what could be achieved when we took back control. As he spoke, Thérèse Coffey was seen examining her handbag, apparently concerned that an example of the new Apodemus species might have found its way in there.
[registration_form]
Exciting news Mark. Hopping in the car now to see if I can spot one before midday.
Look forward to seeing that quote of yours elsewhere Mark!
Or should that be midnight, John ?
Did I hear Dr Amanda Anderson say ‘if we let the Apodemus loricatorum aprilis asinus in, we will soon have nothing else?’
She sees them every day from her Kitchen Window.
Especially as they breed communally, like Circus cyaneus.
Just off to the shed to invent a better mousetrap!!!!
This is a splendid example of convergent evolution (think Armadillo).
But this new species is doomed because all the arguments against Driven Grouse Shooting are converging rapidly into a mobilising, fully armoured advance.
End result: A social and ecological succession allowing vast swathes of our scorched earth abused uplands to be liberated into a proper natural, self-willed state.
New results show how fast evolution can occur under conditions of severe environmental stress. Scientists from the University of Sandy (formerly Avery Polytechnic) have shown that the tick Ixodes ricinus has already responded to the stresses caused by heavy metals in the tissues of this newly-discovered Apodemus. Levels of lead, previously only found in grouse meat served in ‘high end’ resturants, were present, and were transmitted via mouse blood to members of the local tick population. Selection rapidly removed susceptible Ixodes, leaving lead-tolerant survivors that bred successfully and became established across the uplands.
This new form of tick has been named Ixodes ricinus coffeyi in on the strength of its unique colouration. (Editor’s note: I know that ‘coffee’ has two e’s and no y, but, after all, it was Avery Polytechnic. What else can you expect?).
A spokeman for the grouse industry commented: “We are delighted that this new race has evolved, since it allows us to continue to destroy anything that might harbour ticks, such as Mountain Hares, Mark Avery, Curlews and Golden Plovers. Oh no, I didn’t say the last two – we haven’t needed an excuse to start killing those yet.”
A paper is in preparation documenting the strength of selection involved in this rapid evolutionary response, which should be available in a WC near you by the end of the month.
David your explanation could serve almost as well as elucidation of the Matt Ridley article in the Tmes yesterday. Perhaps he wrote his on 1 April too, though I fear not. It’s behind a paywall which you may not wish to cross, but he takes the evidence presented by Menno Schilthuizen to argue that evolution in cities will create a bigger and better brave new world of biodiversity, made by us, so let’s give a big cheer. Of course he protects his back by some careful words, but the overall tone of the piece, as ever with Ridley, is deeply complacent, or worse.
Thanks Alan.
I haven’t seen the Ridley article since I refuse to give any money to the Auistralian who controls so miuch of Britain’s media. To say nothing of the damage has has done to British football.