Guest blog – by ‘Mr White’

Dr Mark Avery – supporter of vulnerable creatures in the sporting field

by Mr White, ‘Reservoir Cats

Mark Avery, who ‘died’ on April 28th aged 53, spent the best years of his working life as Director of Conservation for the RSPB.

A public holiday has been declared in Norfolk to celebrate his loss. Arthur Balsam, Norfolk county councillor and keen country sports enthusiast said, “His departure is good news for Norfolk! From the lowliest gamekeeper to the jowliest arable monoculturalist, he won’t be mourned by any of us! We’ll be able to get back to farming entirely for profit and for the benefit of things we can shoot with impunity, like Pheasants, Red-legged Partridges, and Hen Harriers.”

The Rt. Honourable Tom Logan, a Songbird Survival spokesbaronet and landowner commented: “We’re delighted to see the back of him – now we can return to promoting the wanton use of pole-traps on our Norfolk estates with complete freedom.”

The Rt. Hon. Gentleman later retracted this statement for the benefit of Songbird Survival’s middle class English supporters, hastily adding, “What one actually meant to say was that we promote the judicious use of man-traps baited with kabanos sausage and Tyskie lager in Norwich’s suburbs, aimed to keep down the numbers of eastern European Johnny Foreigners stealing our British jobs. One certainly didn’t mean the calculated and illegal persecution of birds of prey. No, no! We don’t support that at all…”

Dr Avery’s loss is not universally celebrated. Enid Felcher, a staunch RSPB and Cat’s Protection League supporter from Cley said, “I’ll be so sorry to not hear him on Radio 4’s ‘Today’ program urging me to care for my tits. But that won’t stop me loving my garden birds – every time one of my un-neutered pussies brings in a maimed Jenny Wren or Bobby Robin, I’ll remember Mark fondly.”

Stung by accusations that she and millions of other cat-owning, bird-loving, Daily Mail-reading spinsters were rather missing the point, Miss Felcher concluded, “Hypocritical? Isn’t that one of those nasty chemicals the farmers are spraying on their fields now the NFU say that food security is more important than biodiversity?

“The ******g tw*ts.”

And to see more of Mr White’s best work click here.

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5 Replies to “Guest blog – by ‘Mr White’”

  1. I've only just read this ( to my shame given it's 25th Feb, 2012 ). More please, at least on a monthly if not weekly basis! I can begin to be all serious and complimentary but, at the end of the day, it's so brilliantly irreverent it simply sets me up for the day. At the very least there should be more advice on tits from Avery I suggest! These could rest cheek by jowl with his comments on mares he seems rather keen on, but I'll wager he'll keep such to himself!

    John Armitage

  2. Thank you, John, for your kind comments. Reservoir Cats may yet come back in a monthly format if it can just find a home that's prepared to put up with the irreverence, the swearing, and the occasional accidents on the furniture. (Magazine editors and website please take note - I'm looking for a home...)

    In the meantime, if you'd like to read a lot more in the same vein as Mark's obituary, there's always the Reservoir Cats book - available here:

    All the best,

    Mr White


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